My Daughter
Doesn’t Want to Spend Time with Family
Dear
Your Teen:
Our family has been a very active outdoorsy family over the
years and both our kids have been gung-ho about it, but this year our
12-year-old daughter suddenly screeched to a halt. Now she no longer wants to
be involved in anything with the rest of the family — she would rather squirrel
away in her room. She used to be the first one off the high dive and now she
doesn’t even want to go swimming. What happened? I have asked about doing
family things that she wants to do and her reply is basically: “I don’t know”
or “nothing.” We realize this may have to do with entering a teen phase, but
does anyone know how to navigate it and is there another side? Our son, who is
two years older, never went through this, so it is baffling. Thank you!
When a Teen Doesn’t Want
to Spend Time with Family
While it’s a common trend among young teens to withdraw from
prior activities, you do want to make sure there is not more to it in your
daughter’s case.
To determine if this is more than her attempt to separate and
form her own identity, first try a conversation about how she has been feeling.
Many parents find that their kids share the most while riding in the car,
nonchalantly talking in front of a TV show, or at bedtime. I would ask about
her mood, friendships and worries. If you don’t get anywhere yet your intuition
tells you there is more, reach out to a trusted adult friend or family member
or a school counselor to find out if she is upset about something or facing
depression or anxiety. Other signs of these disorders include change in affect,
appetite, sleep, energy, academic functioning, interests.
Once you have moved past the concerning possibilities, I advise
the following. Remember this is a normal aspect of a teen’s development, even
though, as you have seen in your own family, not every teen goes through this
phase.
1. Give Advanced Notice
In order to increase participation, first, I would include your
child in planning. For example, “We are going to go on a hike next weekend, is
there a day or time that you prefer?” I recommend this because often times
parents have to learn that their child will begin to make her own plans and
needs more notice about family activities. Also, you are showing respect and
increasing the likelihood she will join in.
2. Decide What is Non-Negotiable and What is Not
Next, prioritize events and communicate your priorities in
advance. For example:
“We’re going to Grandma’s Sunday, and we need you to come.”
“I know it may not be your favorite thing, but going to your
brother’s play is non-negotiable.
My college roommate is coming for lunch this weekend and she’d
love to see you, but it’s optional. Let me know if you want to join us.”
It’s also good to explain: “We understand you want more time to
your self now that you are older, and we will give you a pass when we can, but
we will let you know when it’s not okay to opt out.”
3. Look for Activities Your Teen Will Enjoy
Lastly, don’t push a singular activity, as you might create more
resistance to it. Find activities that your teen enjoys and join in.
What I see most often in young teens is that they behave as
though they want less attention from their parents. Nonetheless I advise
parents to still be around as much as possible, because the teen still needs
you there — at a distance, and on-demand :).
Wendy
Moyal, M.D., is a child and adolescent psychiatrist with the Child Mind Institute.
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