Death in the Family - Tips for Parents

DEATH AND GRIEF IN THE FAMILY: TIPS FOR

PARENTS

 

from National Association of School Psychologists

By James Batts, PhD, NCSP

Eastern Kentucky University

Our children grow up in a culture that avoids expressing grief and tries to deny the inevitability of

death. The realization that all life must someday end is one of the most difficult concepts we as adults

have to deal with and is one of the most difficult concepts we have to teach our children. Death is all

around us, yet as parents we believe that if we do not talk about it with our children death will not touch

them.

Children will face many deaths that will have an impact on their daily lives. Some of these deaths

may be anticipated and some sudden. Children may have to face the fact that a friend, a sibling, or a

parent has died or that they, too, will die. Children will need adult help in understanding what is

happening and will typically look to adults as models for how to cope.

Children’s Understanding of Death

Preschool children (ages 2–6).

Generally around age 4 children have a limited and vague

understanding of death. Children of this age generally do not think of death as permanent. They may

believe it is reversible and talk of doing things with the person in the future. Preschoolers frequently

engage in magical thought and play. They may believe if they pray or wish hard enough, they could bring

the dead person to life. A parent may overhear a child tell a friend, “My mommy is not dead. She is

visiting Grandma.”

Young children may connect events or things together that do not belong together. A child may tell

his brother he hates him, and a short time later the brother is struck and killed by a car. The child may

not only have guilt for what he said, but feel responsible for causing the death. As parents and

caregivers we must disconnect these events in the child’s thinking by reassuring the child that the

events are not in any way related.

Primary age children (age 6–9).

Children at this age have begun to grasp the finality of death, but

very often they still engage in magical thinking and maintain the belief that their thoughts and wishes

may have the power to undo death. This belief in their power may lead to the idea that they could have

prevented the death or they should have been there to protect the person who died. This thinking also is

likely to lead to feelings of guilt and responsibility for the person’s death.

Intermediate age children (age 9–12).

Developmentally, children at this age are reading adventure

books, telling ghost stories, and becoming preoccupied with super heroes. They often look on death as

some supernatural being that comes and gets you. Even though they think of death as something that

happens primarily to old people, they realize it can happen to the young, to their parents, to their loved

ones. At this age they may develop fears of their parents dying or have nightmares about the death of a

friend or loved one. They may also think people die because of some wrong doing of the dead person or

someone around them (death is punishment for bad behavior). Again, this type of thinking can lead to

feelings of guilt and remorse.

Adolescents (age 13–18).

By the time children reach middle school, they probably understand death

as well as adults. They understand it is permanent and happens to everyone eventually. Teens spend

much of their time thinking, daydreaming, and philosophizing about death. They are often fascinated

with death and fantasize about their own death to the dismay of their parents. They imagine their own

funeral, for example, who will come, how badly people will feel, and how people will wish they had been

nicer to them when they were alive. Even with this preoccupation with death, they can feel immune to it

and engage in death-challenging behaviors such as reckless driving or drinking or taking drugs.

Helping Children at Home and School II: Handouts for Families and Educators

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How to Tell a Child of a Death

Every family has to deal with death in its own way depending on the relationship of the individual, cultural

traditions, religious beliefs, and the age and developmental level of the child. The following suggestions can guide parents in this difficult task:

 

• Get to your child quickly, before friends or other  relatives try to explain what happened.

 

• Find a quiet place to tell your child, and do it calmly and gently.

• Start with an introduction to prepare your child for the bad news. Maybe say, “A very sad thing happened. Grandpa has died.” If your child is a preschooler, you may need to explain what the word “died” means. “Died” may be defined as “no longer living.” Talk to your child about what it means to be alive. “When you’re alive you can breathe, walk, talk,

see, hear. Grandpa cannot do these things any more.”

 

• Use clear language, such as “dead,” “died,” “cancer,” or “Her heart stopped working.” Avoid using confusing and unclear language such as “passed on,” “no longer with us,” “with the angels,” or “gone away.” And especially avoid any references to sleeping. Young children will naturally assume that their loved one will eventually wake up.

• Explain the basic facts and allow the details to come later in the form of questions. Allow your child to show strong emotions and say, "Some people cry when they are upset and other people don’t show their emotions when they’re upset. It does not mean they don’t love the person who died."

• Describe what will happen over the next few days and where your child fits into the events. Describe the funeral arrangements, burial, and related customs specific to your family’s culture and religion, where you will be, where they will be, and who will be visiting or staying in the house.

• Provide reassurance that life will eventually be more normal again. Explain to your child that he or she will return to school in a few days, that he or she will be able to see friends again. The family will go back to its usual activities as much as possible but without the loved one. Helping children maintain a positive outlook, even in times of pain, will help

ensure a health recovery from grief. (For some good tips on building resilience in children, see the American Psychological Association guide in the “Resources” below.)

Children’s Reactions to Death


Childhood grief is different from the grief

experienced by adults. Adult grief is usually experienced

more immediately, more intensely, and often times more

compactly. You may observe some of the following in

grieving children:

• They are more capable of putting aside their grief

for periods of time. You may see them engage in

play a short time after being told about a death as if

nothing has happened.

• They tend to grieve over a longer period of time and

more sporadically.

• They often will become more dependent and need

additional support even with initiating and

maintaining routine activities.

• They can have feelings of unreality, as if all this is

happening to someone else.

• They may describe themselves as tired and bored

and will experience sleep disturbances.

• They may be preoccupied with the dead person;

simple events like a Little League game will trigger

a memory or feeling of “I wish Grandpa could have

been here for my game.”

• They may have a difficult time focusing, may

become overactive, and have difficulty with school

work.

• They may become aggressive, short tempered, and

even engage in uncharacteristic destructive

behavior.

• They may revert back to a behavior during an earlier

developmental period, such as wetting the bed,

sucking a thumb, wanting the nightlight on, or

sleeping with a transitional object such as a teddy

bear. Regression is a common symptom of grief.

Helping Children Cope With Death

• Funerals and memorial services help us accept

death and provide the love and support of families

and friends. These services may be more important

for children than they are for adults. In an inviting

way, ask your child if he or she wants to attend the

funeral. Do not force your child to attend the funeral

if he or she is adamant about not going.

• Talk, listen, and nurture your child. Children can

have endless questions and need for reassurance.

Be patient and understanding when asked the same

questions over and over. Don’t be afraid to say, “I

don’t know.” Remember that your child will watch

your reactions and use your reactions as a model.

• Try to keep your child’s routine as normal as

possible or at least return to the normal routine as

soon as events allow.

• Children need help in expressing their feelings.

Encourage your child to draw pictures for the dead

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Death and Grief in the Family: Tips for Parents

person or talk about the dead person or even write

letters.

• Reading books about death can be helpful, but

make sure the book conveys the theme or message

you want. Different cultural and religious beliefs

may conflict with the message and activities

described in some books.

• Provide your child opportunities to do something in

memory of the person who died: light a candle,

plant a tree, make a memory scrapbook, or give a

gift in memory of the person who died.

When Parents Should Be Concerned

These are some warning signs that children may

need assistance dealing with their grief:

• Refusal to attend school especially out of fear of

something happening to their parents or

themselves.

• Physical symptoms that linger, even after a visit to

the doctor for reassurance that they are fine. Be

especially concerned if the physical symptoms

seem to be related to identification with the person

who died.(for instance, if the person died of a heart

attack and the child suffers from unexplained chest

pain or the person died of a stroke and the child

complains of headaches).

• Fears and anxieties that interfere with normal

activities or routines. Give your child a reasonable

period to grieve, but if your child continues to

exhibit anxieties, then something may be wrong. Be

especially concerned if this behavior is observed

across different settings such as at school, home, or

in the community.

• Depression that remains for a long period.

Depression often follows a major loss such as the

death of a loved one, loss of a pet, or divorce.

Symptoms of depression may include withdrawal,

poor concentration, significant lack of energy,

disturbed sleep and appetite, overwhelming

sadness, and frequent crying. Be concerned if these

signs are present almost all day and nearly every

day for a 2-week period. Be concerned if your child

is more preoccupied with death than you feel is

comfortable or normal.

Other Support for Grieving Children

In addition to your friends and family, the following

individuals and organizations may be helpful: the clergy,

the funeral director, school psychologist or guidance

counselor, hospice, local mental health center, local

bereavement support groups, and online support

groups. Remember that not all help is helpful.

Sometimes the help that is offered does not meet the

family’s or individual’s needs or expectations and

therefore a parent should feel comfort contacting other

resources. The publications and websites below may

offer grieving families information and support.

Resources

American Psychological Association. (2003).

Resilience

for kids and teens: A guide for parents and teachers.

Washington, DC: Author. Available:

http://helping.apa.org/resilience/kids_pt.html

Fitzgerald, H. (1992).

The grieving child: A parent’s

guide.

New York: Fireside. ISBN: 0-671-76762-3.

Silverman, P. R. (2000).

Never too young to know: Death

in children’s lives.

New York: Oxford University

Press. ISBN: 0-19-510955-4.

Wolfelt, A. (1996).

Healing the bereaved child: Grief

gardening, growth through grief, and other

touchstones for caregivers.

Ft. Collins, CO:

Companion. ISBN: 1879651106.

Worden, J. W. (1996).

Children and grief: When a parent

dies.

New York: Guilford. ISBN: 1572301481.

For Children

Gootman, M. E. (1994).

When a friend dies: A book for

teens about grieving and healing.

Minneapolis: Free

Spirit. ISBN: 0915793660.

Greenlee, S. (1992).

When someone dies. Atlanta:

Peachtree (for ages 9–12). ISBN: 1561450448.

Wolfelt, A. (2001).

Healing your grieving heart for kids.

Ft. Collins, CO: Companion. ISBN: 1879651270.

Websites and Organizations

America Hospice Foundation—

www.americanhospice.org

American Psychological Association—

www.apa.org

Compassionate Friends—

www.compassionatefriends.org

Griefnet—

www.griefnet.org (has an excellent area for

children)

Mister Rogers—

www.misterrogers.org (see the booklet,

Grieving for children 4–10 years)

National Association of School Psychologists—

www.nasponline.org

James Batts, PhD, NCSP, is on the faculty of the School

Psychology program at Eastern Kentucky University.

© 2004 National Association of School Psychologists, 4340 East West Highway,

Suite 402, Bethesda, MD 20814—(301) 657-0270.

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