Why Do They Act That Way?
Speaker: Erin Walsh (EW)
Southwest High School, Minneapolis MN
Co-Sponsored by the SWHS PTSA and AAA of Minneapolis
January 15, 2013
1. Erin Walsh went to South High School in Mpls. Her parents developed the National Institute on Media and the Family, which is now housed at the Search Institute. Her father (David) wrote "Why Do They Act That Way?" "Mind Positive Parenting" is EW’s focus today.
2. The first step to considering the adolescent brain is to overcome "adult onset amnesia". There are unique challenges to growing up in the 20th / 21st centuries – however many issues are the same today as they were for us when we were kids.
a. participants were asked to think back to their teenage years and come up with a few words that characterize the journey from childhood to adulthood. Attendees said: uncharted, rebellious, sneaky, perilous, obedient, angry, out of control, fun, busy, nightmarish. When EW does this exercise, these same words come up over and over. The word most teens use when asked about their teenage years today is DRAMA (i.e. accelerated emotional responses).
b. Teenage angst is not new: "Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority, show disrespect for their elders and love chatter and the place of exercise. They no longer rise when their elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up their food and tyrannize teachers." (Socrates, 5th Century)
3. The mechanics:
a. Chemical / electrical signals pass through the brain. There are 100 billion neurons at birth, each with 10k branches – that’s more than the number of stars in the sky. 17% of the connections are wired at birth. With growth – additional connections are made.
b. Whatever the brain does a lot of, it gets good at. Kids who understand the importance of repetition tend to do better.
c. Most agree nature and nurture impact these connections. Experiences during growth spurts seem to make the most difference (e.g. language development in early years). These spurts are windows of opportunity and sensitivity, and have more impact on brain development than at any other time of life.
d. Although the 12 year old brain is the same size as a 20 year old brain, younger brains are still under construction. The brain isn’t done maturing until about age 25.
e. The pre-frontal cortex (PFC) starts developing during puberty. It is the command center, the brain’s CEO. Consequences, risks and impulses are managed there. It’s the part of our brains that say, "STOP." Before this area fully develops – the gas pedal is to the floor and there are no brakes. This is why kids leave the house in winter without socks.
f. When we were kids, hormones were blamed for everything. They are still a factor, but brain development is bigger.
4. Brains, by gender:
a. Male brain: testosterone increases by 1000% in young males, with an average of 7 surges occurring / day. The amygdala (the fight/flight/anger center) loves testosterone. As males age, the prefrontal cortex manages the amygdala and its responses. When two amygdalas meet – it can be bad news. The amygdala sees all emotion as anger / threat.
i. To diffuse a testosterone spurt: Try deep breathing while you walk with the person. His body and mind must be calmed.
b. Female brain: serotonin is key as estrogen levels rise and fall. The result is emotional fluctuation that can off the charts - confusing to the female and to outsiders. Moods change on a dime. With age, the PFC recognizes emotional volatility and gives women perspective.
5. The automobile insurance industry understands brain development. It would stand to reason that 16 year old drivers have quicker responses and heal faster when hurt. However, undeveloped PFC’s can’t stop distracted driving, simple mistakes, etc. You have to be 25 to rent a car.
6. What shouldn’t we do?
a. Lock kids up until their PFC matures.
i. Attractive, but we know that experiences impact brain development and if kids are locked up, they won’t have them.
b. Make decisions for our kids.
i. Kids must make decisions, and learn from their mistakes.
c. Let our kids move out on their, get apartments, fly on their own.
i. The problem is, although our kids may look like adults, if they leave you won’t be able to have the hard conversations with them about behavior.
d. Give our kids a free pass because of their PFCs.
i. Kids are hungry to learn about what’s going on in their brains. Adults help them funnel risky behaviors and practice safer ways of managing actions and emotions.
e. Coddle or rescue your kids.
i. If you do this, they’ll never learn.
7. What should we do?
a. Listen.
b. Remember – sometimes our kids need us most when they’re pushing us away the most. Say, "I’m here. I’ll try again tomorrow."
c. Maintain a loose grip, but don’t let go.
d. Let your kids try to exercise their PFCs.
e. Set consistent limits and outline consequences. Inheriting a consequence is a kid’s choice, not a punishment – as long as you say when ahead of time: "If you do this, then I’ll do that."
f. Maintain boundaries for behavior, and hold kids accountable.
g. Be the surrogate for your kid’s undeveloped PFC.
h. Provide support.
i. Give choices rather than threats.
j. Make room for limited negotiation. Parenting is a benevolent dictatorship.
k. Distinguish between normal adolescent behavior, and "red flag" behavior. Sleeping in one morning is normal. Sleeping in five mornings in a row is red flag behavior.
l. Teach alternative behaviors / responses.
m. Communicate positive expectations for behavior.
n. Catch your kids doing something good, and tell them.
o. Identify the triggers, and help your kids manage them when they’re pulled.
p. Clearly say what you feel – or your kid’s amygdala will think you are angry.
q. Stick to one topic at a time.
r. Apologize when you communicate poorly.
s. Pick your battles – don’t go to the mat over everything.
t. Be specific regarding particular behaviors (rather than generalizing). If taking out the garbage is the issue, then stick to garbage. Don’t expand the conversation to talk about laziness or dirty clothes or brushing your teeth.
8. The teen brain on drugs:
a. Damage from drug / alcohol exposure is greater for kids. Ounce for ounce, alcohol/drugs affect growing brains more than developed brains.
b. Warning signs: The signals for intoxication flash later in the consumption process for young people. This is why some college kids die of alcohol poisoning.
9. Technology:
a. There are more screens, more powerfully presented than at any other time in history.
b. The average 8-18 year old spends 53 hours/week on entertainment media. As kids get busier, the number of hours drops.
c. The average teen sends 3500 texts / month.
d. 4 of 5 teens sleep with their cell phones.
e. 1/3 of 3 year olds go online daily.
f. Most teens go online for information – support, advice, information, advocacy.
g. If you blink, technology changes. Kids can be our guides.
h. Technology isn’t inherently good or bad, but it is powerful.
i. It is good to talk about deepening friendships / relationships. Social media can help kids do that.
j. Our children’s digital footprints start when we upload their ultrasound pictures. Facebook takes it much further.
k. "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is a pack of lies.
l. The digital world brings incredible distractions. It can happen behind the wheel, in school, at home, etc.
10. Most people are not very good at multi-tasking. Our brains are built to do one thing at a time. Multi-tasking works when you engage in routine, habitual behaviors. Multi-tasking takes a ton of practice, e.g. when an adult driver carries on a conversation while goingown a familiar road. When he/she gets lost, it’s not so easy to chat. For teens, adding a passenger is as distracting as getting lost.
11. Summary: Kids need connection, love and guidance. Don’t hold your breath waiting for them to say thank you – just do it. If your child can’t or won’t get these things from you, the process should be outsourced to another caring adult.
EW has a newsletter that comes out 1-2x/month. Go to: www.drdavewalsh.com
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