Death and Grief:
Supporting Children and Youth
Death and loss within a school community can affect anyone, particularly children and adolescents.
Whether the death of a classmate, family member, or staff member, students may need support in
coping with their grief. Reactions will vary depending on the circumstances of the death and how wellknown
the deceased is both to individual students and to the school community at-large. Students who
have lost a family member or someone close to them will need particular attention. It is important for
adults to understand the reactions they may observe and to be able to identify children or adolescents
who require support. Parents, teachers, and other caregivers should also understand how their own grief
reactions and responses to a loss may impact the experience of a child.
GRIEF REACTIONS
There is no right or wrong way to react to a loss. No two individuals will react in exactly the same way.
Grief reactions among children and adolescents are influenced by their developmental level, personal
characteristics, mental health, family and cultural influences, and previous exposure to crisis, death, and
loss. However, some general trends exist that can help adults understand typical and atypical reactions of
bereaved children. Sadness, confusion, and anxiety are among the most common grief responses and are
likely to occur for children of all ages.
The Grief Process
Although grief does not follow a specified pattern, there are common stages that children and
adolescents may experience with varying sequencing and intensity. The general stages of the grief
process are:
·
Denial (unwillingness to discuss the loss)
·
Anger or guilt (blaming others for the loss)
·
Sorrow or depression (loss of energy, appetite, or interest in activities)
·
Bargaining (attempts to regain control by making promises or changes in one’s life)
·
Acceptance or admission (acceptance that loss is final, real, significant, and painful)
Grief Reactions of Concern
The above behaviors are expected and natural reactions to a loss. However, the following behaviors may
warrant further attention:
Preschool Level:
·
Decreased verbalization
·
Increased anxiety (e.g., clinginess, fear of separation)
·
Regressive behaviors (e.g., bedwetting, thumb sucking)
Elementary school level:
·
Difficulty concentrating or inattention
·
Somatic complaints (e.g., headaches, stomach problems)
·
Sleep disturbances (e.g., nightmares, fear of the dark)
·
Repeated telling and acting out of the event
·
Withdrawal
·
Increased irritability, disruptive behavior, or aggressive behavior
·
Increased anxiety (e.g., clinging, whining)
·
Depression, guilt, or anger
2
Middle and high school level:
·
Flashbacks
·
Emotional numbing or depression
·
Nightmares
·
Avoidance or withdrawal
·
Peer relationship problems
·
Substance abuse or other high-risk behavior
Signs That Additional Help Is Needed
Adults should be particularly alert to any of the following as indicators that trained mental health
professional (school psychologist or counselor) should be consulted for intervention and possible referral:
·
Severe loss of interest in daily activities (e.g., extracurricular activities and friends)
·
Disruption in ability to eat or sleep
·
School refusal
·
Fear of being alone
·
Repeated wish to join the deceased
·
Severe drop in school achievement
·
Suicidal references or behavior
Risk Factors for Increased Reactions
Some students (and adults) may be a greater risk for grief reactions that require professional
intervention. This includes individuals who:
·
Were very close to the person(s) who died
·
Were present when the person died
·
Have suffered a recent loss
·
Have experienced a traumatic event
·
Are isolated or lack a personal support network
·
Suffer from depression, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, or other mental illness
Keep in mind that groups, particularly adolescents, can experience collective or even vicarious grief.
Students may feel grief, anxiety or stress because they see classmates who were directly affected by a
loss, even if they didn
’t personally know the deceased. Additional risk factors include the deceased being
popular or well-known, extensive media coverage, a sudden or traumatic death, homicides or suicides.
SUPPORTING GRIEVING CHILDREN AND YOUTH
How adults in a family or school community grieve following a loss will influence how children and youth
grieve. When adults are able to talk about the loss, express their feelings, and provide support for
children and youth in the aftermath of a loss, they are better able to develop healthy coping strategies.
Adults are encouraged to:
·
Talk about the loss. This gives children permission to talk about it, too.
·
Ask questions to determine how children understand the loss, and gauge their physical and emotional
reactions.
·
Listen patiently. Remember that each person is unique and will grieve in his or her own way.
·
Be prepared to discuss the loss repeatedly. Children should be encouraged to talk about, act out, or
express through writing or art the details of the loss as well as their feelings about it, about the
deceased person, and about other changes that have occurred in their lives as a result of the loss.
·
Give children important facts about the event at an appropriate developmental level. This may
include helping children accurately understand what death is. For younger children, this explanation
might include helping them to understand that the person
’s body has stopped working and will never
again work.
·
Help children understand the death and intervene to correct false perceptions about the cause of the
event, ensuring that they do not blame themselves or others for the situation.
·
Provide a model of healthy mourning by being open about your own feelings of sadness and grief.
·
Create structure and routine for children so they experience predictability and stability.
3
·
Take care of yourself so you can assist the children and adolescents in your care. Prolonged, intense
grieving or unhealthy grief reactions (such as substance abuse) will inhibit your ability to provide
adequate support.
·
Acknowledge that it will take time to mourn and that bereavement is a process that occurs over
months and years. Be aware that normal grief reactions often last longer than six months, depending
on the type of loss and proximity to the child.
·
Take advantage of school and community resources such as counseling, especially if children and
youth do not seem to be coping well with grief and loss.
T
IPS FOR CHILDREN AND TEENS WITH GRIEVING FRIENDS AND CLASSMATES
Seeing a friend try to cope with a loss may scare or upset children who have had little or no experience
with death and grieving. Some suggestions teachers and parents can provide to children and youth to
deal with this
“secondary” loss:
·
Particularly with younger children, it will be important to help clarify their understanding of death.
See tips above under
“helping children cope.”
·
Seeing their classmates’ reactions to loss may bring about some fears of losing their own parents
or siblings. Children need reassurance from caretakers and teachers that their own families are
safe. For children who have experienced their own loss (previous death of a parent, grandparent,
sibling), observing the grief of a friend can bring back painful memories. These children are at
greater risk for developing more serious stress reactions and should be given extra support as
needed.
·
Children (and many adults) need help in communicating condolence or comfort messages.
Provide children with age-appropriate guidance for supporting their peers. Help them decide
what to say (e.g.,
“Steve, I am so sorry about your father. I know you will miss him very much.
Let me know if I can help you with your paper route
….”) and what to expect (see “expressions of
grief
” above).
·
Help children anticipate some changes in friends’ behavior. It is important that children
understand that their grieving friends may act differently, may withdraw from their friends for a
while, might seem angry or very sad, etc., but that this does not mean a lasting change in their
relationship.
·
Explain to children that their “regular” friendship may be an important source of support for
friends and classmates. Even normal social activities such as inviting a friend over to play, going
to the park, playing sports, watching a movie, or a trip to the mall may offer a much needed
distraction and sense of connection and normalcy.
·
Children need to have some options for providing support—it will help them deal with their fears
and concerns if they have some concrete actions that they can take to help. Suggest making
cards, drawings, helping with chores or homework, etc. Older teens might offer to help the family
with some shopping, cleaning, errands, etc., or with babysitting for younger children.
·
Encourage children who are worried about a friend to talk to a caring adult. This can help
alleviate their own concern or potential sense of responsibility for making their friend feel better.
Children may also share important information about a friend who is at risk of more serious grief
reactions.
·
Parents and teachers need to be alert to children in their care who may be reacting to a friend’s
loss of a loved one. These children will need some extra support to help them deal with the
sense of frustration and helplessness that many people are feeling at this time.
Adapted from
“Death and Grief in the Family: Tips for Parents” in Helping Children at Home and School
III
, NASP, 2010 and from materials posted on the NASP website after September 11, 2001.
© 2010, National Association of School Psychologists, 4340 East West Highway, Suite 402,
Bethesda, MD 20814,
www.nasponline.org
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